The Confidence Shift That Happens When You Stop Seeking Approval

There’s something many of us quietly want, whether we admit it or not: to feel validated. To know we matter. To feel seen, acknowledged, and appreciated for who we are and how we show up in the world.

What we don’t often stop to examine is how easily that desire turns inward as self-criticism.

For so many women, the inner voice is sharp and relentless. We replay conversations. We judge our decisions. We focus on what we should have said or done differently. Instead of building ourselves up, we tear ourselves down—often without even realizing we’re doing it.

And somewhere along the way, that self-criticism became normal.

For many of us, the need for validation didn’t start in adulthood. It began early, shaped by the praise we received—or didn’t receive—from the people whose approval once felt essential. A parent. A caregiver. Often a father or a strong male figure. Over time, that unmet need for acknowledgment can quietly migrate. What once belonged to a parent gets transferred onto teachers, bosses, partners, or spouses.

That was certainly true for me.

For years, I didn’t realize how much of my confidence was tied to external approval. I thought I just wanted encouragement or recognition—nothing unusual. But underneath it was a familiar pattern: a desire to hear I’m proud of you from the men in my life. First my father. Later, without noticing, that same expectation showed up form my husband. 

There’s nothing wrong with wanting appreciation. Praise feels good. Being seen matters. The issue isn’t receiving validation—it’s needing it in order to feel grounded in our worth.

When we don’t consciously validate ourselves, we end up unconsciously chasing it elsewhere.

There’s also a broader cultural layer that reinforces this dynamic. Research consistently shows that women are less likely to self-promote and more likely to under-rate their own performance compared with men—even when their accomplishments are equal. Men tend to feel more comfortable naming their strengths and claiming their achievements, while women are more likely to minimize theirs or attribute success to luck.

This isn’t a confidence flaw. It’s conditioning.

We’re taught to be modest. To stay quiet. To avoid appearing “too much.” Bragging, we’re told, is arrogance.

Yet years ago I was introduced to a different idea: that bragging isn’t about ego at all. It’s about reclaiming joy. Visibility. Worth. It’s about allowing ourselves to acknowledge what we’ve done without shrinking or apologizing.

I see this discomfort all the time with my clients. When I ask them what they’re proud of, many struggle to answer. Or they rush to soften it. It wasn’t that big of a deal. Anyone could have done it. I just got lucky.

But confidence isn’t built through perfection or external praise. It’s built through acknowledgment.

When we practice praising ourselves—intentionally and consistently—we stop outsourcing our worth. We strengthen something internal. And when praise does come from a partner, a parent, or the outside world, it lands differently. We can receive it without gripping it. Appreciate it without needing it to define us.

That shift has changed everything for me.

These days, when someone tells me they’re proud of me, I can simply say thank you—not because it doesn’t matter, but because it’s no longer filling a gap. I’ve already filled it myself and their acknowledgement is a bonus. 

I talk more about this practice in a short  Episode of The Courage to Be, but the heart of it is simple: self-praise is a muscle. One many of us were never taught to use.

And when we stop tearing ourselves down and start building ourselves up, something subtle but powerful happens. We feel steadier. Calmer. Less reactive. More rooted in who we are—without waiting for permission.

That kind of confidence doesn’t come from doing more.

It comes from finally acknowledging what’s already there.

With love and courage.

Tania

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