I don’t know about you, but I am the type of person that has to live off of planning.
I’m not someone that dwells on the past,
I wish I could say that I live all of the time in the present,
I live, mostly in the future: visualizing, coming up with ideas, living in possibility…
and all of this requires a lot of planning.
As you can see, I love to plan, it gives me a sense of security, control and peace. — I know, it’s a false sense of control and security.— 😊
This month has definitely not gone according to plan.
It started out with the passing of my friend Lia, then, over Thanksgiving weekend my father-in-law passed away — he’s been in the picture for half of my life, so he’s been like a second father.—
The week after Thanksgiving, I basically took off work. I was trying to see if I could fly back to the East Coast to be with family, supporting and being supported, but that plan fell through.
Just as I was going to resume with life and work, this past Sunday I found out that another friend also passed away.
The same day my daughter developed a fever which shifted this week's plans.
Plans of:
teaching classes
podcast recordings
catching up on work
reaching out to those that expressed concern when my father in law passed
meeting up with friends
None of these plans transpired.
“Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.”— John Lennon
In this case, if I may add some dark humor, “Death is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.”
As I journaled this morning, I wondered should I share what’s been going on and why I have been M.I.A? Or is this more of a private matter?
The answer came to me: Share at the right time and with the right intention.
You see, I was off social media for 4 years in part because I felt like a lot of people shared inauthentically .
In my eyes, there’s several archetypes of social media sharers:
The Fake bragger: this is the type of person that just shares their edited lives about the one minute of joy they had that day without showcasing the other 23.59 hours of misery, pain, depression, or loneliness they had on that day.
The victim: these people are the ones that are craving constant attention by posting all the things going wrong in their lives, not to minimize their pain, but over sharing as a victim, constantly saying: “look how horrible and bad my life is,” gets a little tiring.
The martyr: this personality is similar to the victim in the sense that they are craving attention but they come more from a place of “look at how horrible and hard my life is but I’m strong and have overcome it once again. Please acknowledge how awesome I am, maybe we should build a statue in my honor.”
You can see the conundrum. I did not want to be boxed into any of these personalities if I shared.
I have been sharing all about my successes and wonderful things happening to me this year and did not want to come across as the fake bragger when something hard showed up in my path.
I did not want to be the victim or the martyr where you are taking pity on me for all the loss that has been happening in my life this past month.
This is why I’ve been M.I.A
I needed space to gather my thoughts before sharing with you.
After a couple of days of silence, and a lot of journaling, I think this is the time to share.
I thought to myself “heck, I share the good things that have been happening to me this year so, why not share the harder, more trying parts?”
I believe that when we share authentically and be vulnerable we get to connect, learn and grow.
So,
What do you do when you lose 3 loved ones in the span of a month?
My honest answer is:
I don’t know.
I feel like I should behave in a certain way.
I feel like I should be grieving in a certain way.
I feel numb
What I’ve realized is that:
I don’t like feeling the sadness
I don’t like feeling guilty, and
I also realized how much I’ve judged myself and others while grieving.
Here’s my list of guilt trips I’ve had in these days:
I felt guilty about how I should be grieving.
I felt guilty about not making it to the funeral.
I felt guilty about not showing up to my father-in-law’s Shiva.
I felt guilty about not being a supportive mom for my daughter while my husband was gone.
I felt guilty about venting my emotions with my husband when I should have been there for him as support.
I felt guilty about asking for help and friends bringing me food.
I felt guilty about spending a full day in pajamas, not knowing what to do with myself.
I felt guilty of not getting back to work faster and being more productive.
I felt guilty about canceling meetings with clients.
I felt guilty about changing plans for everyone around me.
Ha!
How’s that for a guilt trip?
I am pouring my guts out to you, because it feels cathartic, because it feels like I owe it to you. We never know how our sharing can help someone else. Right?
For me, it’s important to share the good, the bad and the ugly of life and business.
If you’ve been in my world for a while, you know that I like looking at the gifts and lessons in all circumstances.
I can share that there have been some amazing lessons and gifts that have come out of this month of loss.
Deeper connections with loved ones
Not taking my husband, and all that he does for our family for granted.
More connection with my daughter —we get to cuddle every night together for at least the next 3 weeks.—
Stretching myself and asking for help.
Holding space. There’s an art to knowing how to hold space for someone without telling them what to do, but instead asking questions, and just being there.
New ideas bubbling up inside of me when I wake up in the middle of the night because I can’t get back to sleep.
The power of community, learning to lean in, let others help and seeing the true light in old friends and new ones.
If you’ve read this far, thank you, I know it was a long post. I thank you for allowing me to express my feelings right now.
I thank you for being in my life. ♥️
All I ask of you is to bear with me in these next weeks, I’m not sure how grief will show up for me.
I don’t know how fast I’ll respond to your reach outs
I don’t know how much work I will get done
I don’t know how many podcast recordings I’ll be able to do before my January launch
I don’t know how many meetings or calls I’ll attend
I don’t know how many social media posts I’ll respond to
… but
know not to take anything personal
know that I’m here healing
know that I will connect with you
know that I will get to most of this sooner or later.
Once again, thanks for your support.
With love,
Tania
PS: If you have posted in social or if you’ve reached out to me in the past weeks and I haven’t responded yet, I saw your message, I appreciate it and I’ll reach out soon.